Feeling Good About Ourselves

Many of us carry a nagging sense that we’re not quite good enough. We may put on a confident front, but deep down, we fear being exposed as a fraud.

It can feel like everyone else knows what they’re doing while we’re just making it up as we go. It’s as if we missed out on the handbook for life.

This is a heavy burden. The fear of being “found out” lurks behind even the most ordinary moments.

Do you recognize that sinking feeling in your stomach? Maybe, for you, it’s a racing heart, a tight chest, chills, heat, dry mouth, or a mind that suddenly goes blank. Whatever the sensation, it often comes with a sense of dread.

What Triggers This Feeling?

Often, it comes from comparison. We look at others and assume they are better—or sometimes worse—than us. This could be about appearance, abilities, age, intelligence, wealth, status, or achievements.

Sometimes, it’s triggered by experiences. We may feel misunderstood, humiliated, belittled, ignored, or unfairly judged.

Memories and past wounds also play a role. Experiences of bullying, betrayal, loneliness, or family secrets can deepen this insecurity.

On top of that, an inner critic may be constantly reminding us of our flaws—our relationships, self-control, career, or even sexual performance. This can lead us toward perfectionism or make us withdraw from life altogether.

If any of this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone. Behind many of these fears is a feeling that nearly everyone experiences but few talk about: shame.

Is There a Purpose to Shame?

Shame can be painful, but does it serve a purpose? Some experts believe it helps maintain social bonds. When we recognize and repair a mistake with compassion, it strengthens relationships. This is healthy shame—a natural response to social missteps.

However, the shame we’ve been discussing—the one that makes us feel fundamentally flawed—is unhealthy shame.

Shame vs. Guilt

Although they feel similar, shame and guilt are different:

• Guilt relates to actions: “I feel guilty because I did something bad.”
• Shame attacks identity: “I feel shame because I am bad.”

When we feel guilty, we instinctively try to make amends. But what do we do with shame?

The Antidote to Shame

The good news? We have a natural defense against shame: pride.

But, like shame, pride has two sides:

• Unhealthy pride is a mask for shame—think arrogance, vanity, or grandiosity. This is the kind of pride that “comes before a fall.”
• Healthy pride is different. It’s a balanced appreciation of our strengths, achievements, and resilience. It’s the ability to recognize our creativity, humor, and compassion without arrogance.

This isn’t about inflating ourselves. If it’s true, it’s true—and there’s no shame in acknowledging it. (See what I did there?)

For deeper insights, Christiane Sanderson offers wisdom on this topic, and if you have 20 minutes, check out Brené Brown’s powerful TED Talk on shame.